St. Louis Cardinals

The Starting Lineup

Name Nicknames Bats Pos Avg HR Pwr Sp Ct
Vince Coleman Vicente Left LF .298 3 762 148 17
Ozzie Smith Ozzerto Left SS .303 0 735 144 15
Tom Herr Tommy Him Left 2B .282 2 771 136 22
Jack Clark Hack-A-Jack Right 1B .286 35 891 122 20
Willie McGee Fugly Left CF .267 11 789 140 18
Terry Pendleton Pendu Left 3B .296 12 798 134 19
Curt Ford Flood Left RF .285 3 768 130 22
Tony Pena The Penis Right C .286 10 807 122 23

The Bench

Name Nicknames Bats Avg. HR Pwr Sp Ct
Jose Oquendo None Left .286 1 759 126 21
John Morris Blank Left .261 3 807 126 31
Jim Lindeman Des Plaines Right .208 8 861 124 38
Steve Lake Dah Nah! Right .251 2 768 124 32

The Staff

Name Nicknames Arm ERA Sf Sr Ss Cl Cr Dr En
John Tudor Tu-Dare Left 1.28 189 180 140 7 11 4 40
Danny Cox Penises Right 1.32 188 176 144 9 4 8 40
Ken Dayley Mayor Dayley Left 2.66 198 173 153 3 7 3 15
Todd Worrell None Right 2.66 204 180 176 5 3 4 15

Team Synopsis, by Gantry

Thank god for Houston, or else the Cardinal players would have nobody to make fun of. An extreme lack of power plagues this team, with only Jack Clark capable of the three homer game. The first thing people mention about St. Louis is that they have lots of speed. Although being fast certainly is a plus, it becomes less and less helpful when the players develop the cannon arms that we all currently have (except Rainbow Boy Lipitz). If you want to stand any chance with STL, you have to get Coleman and Ozzie on base. All-in-all St. Louis is a brutal team, capable of beating nobody outside of Houston consistently.


The St. Louis staff is adequate at best in straight pitch. They have two lefties, which makes it very tough against righty-heavy lineups. Tudor is a tremendous curve pitcher, but isn't nearly as good in straight pitch. I start Cox and will put Tudor in later on against tough lefties. Dayley is pretty much worthless since Tudor does everything he can and has more stamina. Worrell is pretty solid and should always make an appearance. Start with Cox, save Tudor/Dayley for tough lefties, and finish with Worrell...

The Lineup

  1. Vince Coleman is fast, I'll give him that. When he gets on base, he's eventually going to step across home. The classic problem with him is that he has this little problem of hitting the ball in the air! He needs to keep the damn ball on the ground, but doesn't do it enough to make him an overly-great leadoff man. Much better hitter with a runner on first (thanks to the Lefty Hit). I pretty much go for the Pettis with the bases empty and swing away with runners on. You're mileage may vary...

  2. Everyone knows that Ozzie Smith is the only non-pitcher in the game with zero homers, making him one of the most exciting players to hit with. Nothing is more embarrassing than giving up a homer to Ozzie Smith, which has happened a few times. Other than that, he's your typical St. Louis hitter - fast, gets on quite a bit, but no power. Follow Coleman's lead - go for the Pettis with the bases empty and swing away with a runner on.

  3. A three hitter with two homers? Say it ain't so Tommy!! But yes, Tommy Herr completely sucks, with only Denny Walling challenging as the worst three hitter in the game. I take him out and bring in John "aka Blank" Morris. A good, but not great, lefty sub with quite a bit of pop. Not the quickest horse in the pen, but he likes to hit the flyballs anyway. Don't expect too much from him, but he's better than that sack Herr...

  4. Jack Clark is the whole fucking show on this team. Seems like he hits a dinger everytime he bats, but that's probably a facade due to this team's lack of power. Great power and gets quite a few line drive hits as well. Prone to the double play, but not nearly as much as most powerful righties. If you want to stand a chance with Stl, you have to hit homers early and often with Clark.

  5. Willie McGee is the ugliest man in the history of human civilization, and that's the only thing he will ever be known for.

  6. Terry Pendelton is probably the second most powerful starter on this team, which really isn't saying much. You have to swing well everytime, but he can produce. Respectable speed & respectable power makes him a respectable player.

  7. Curt Flood should definitely be subbed in order to bring some power into the lineup. The man for the job here is Mr. Des Plaines, Jim Lindeman. For those who care, Lindeman is from Des Plaines, a town 5 minutes from where we all grew up. Lindeman's stats look awful, but he has got the power stroke. After Jack Clark, he is the best home run hitter on this team.

  8. This position is strictly a matter of taste. Many keep Tony Pena is because of his pseudo-power, but I feel he is too slow. Unfortuately, the bench for St. Louis outside of Lindeman completely sucks. None of them have any power, which is what this teams needs most. So I say stay with Pena, although he's no picnic either.

The Rest

  • Jose Oquendo has more power than one would expect. He's gotten quite a few pinch-hit dingers for me, but can't produce over an entire game. Very similar to Joel Youngblood on San Fran, a one AB wonder. Save him for a situation where you need a clutch homer or Lefty Hit.

  • I'm fairly certain that if I were programmed into RBI as a player, I would be better than Steve Lake. He gets my vote for worst pinch-hitter in the game. All the qualities are there - terrible stats, no power, and slower than a 80-year-old driving a Grand Marquis. If you are slumping with your pitchers at the plate, give Lake a whirl. Otherwise, keep his sorry ass on the bench...

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